Seeing the forest through the trees
When faced with a change, sometimes things become clearer.
Recently, I have been presented with an opportunity that could lead me to move out of New York City before the end of the year. By no means am I packing my bags or getting ahead of myself and nothing is confirmed — but at this point I would say it’s about a 50/50 chance.
So I’ve been thinking. I’ve been putting myself in a scenario where I leave. I’ve been considering the alternatives. Leaving a city after nine years. And even five of those years in the same apartment — it’s a lot to consider.
And while it’s just a possibility for now, the idea of letting go of New York is strange. As my mind wanders on the prospects of my future, I look at the record player on my windowsill. The books stacked up on my shelves. I look at the postcards on my fridge and the posters on my walls and I imagine myself taking them down. I look at the ice tray in my freezer and the mug collection in my cabinet and I think about boxing it all away and putting it in storage.
I think about the instinctual walk down the hallway from the elevator to my apartment door. One left, two right turns. A walk I’ve done maybe thousands of times at this point.
Letting go of my day-to-day life. Saying goodbye to a lot of people, my apartment, my job, my Whole Foods, my favorite street to walk down on a warm summer day, my Citi Bike subscription, my running route.
When you are leaving somewhere, you start to analyze the impact you’ve had on the place and wonder who would miss you. Maybe the barista at Birch Coffee on Church Street would wonder where I went. Or my doorman. Or the people in my office who I never talk to, but sometimes I run into them when making coffee in the kitchen. Who have I impacted without even realizing it?
Impact is like a footprint in the sand. You can only see how deep the print is when the foot is gone. And when thinking about a phase of your life coming to a conclusion, it begs the question — what did I accomplish during this time? You start to see the full picture. You look at the start and the end. And you wonder what this phase of your life will mean to you when you look back. And how much you will miss it.
The strangest feeling is when you are okay with it coming to an end. When you feel ready to move on and start a new chapter. And maybe that’s the sign that you learned all you could learn. You don’t want to overstay your welcome.
In the process of moving (if it came to that), I’m sure I would let go of a lot of other things that I didn’t even realize I was holding onto.
I spent my first eight years in New York holding on with a tight fist. It felt like the only way to control my life. Gripping everything I care about until my knuckles turn white. And I think part of me thought that I was only myself when I was in New York City. Leaving felt impossible because I would lose myself too.
But somewhere along the line, sometime within the past year, I’ve found myself holding my life with an open palm.
Arms outstretched. Detached from outcomes outside of my control. Not desperate for approval, not desperate for attention. Calm.
There are still good days and bad days of course, but life is so much easier when you genuinely stop caring what other people think of you. And when you start living for yourself. It’s one of those things that you wake up and realize one day — you can’t force it.
One day I realized, I really don’t care what they think anymore. I just don’t.
The truth is — if I move to another country or to another city, or even if I move a few blocks away to a new apartment, I never leave myself. Wherever I go, I have myself there.
My relationship with myself has evolved a lot over the years. Recently I have noticed a deep respect for myself. I respect my time. I respect my body. I respect my feelings. I care deeply about my own safety. I am protective over myself. I want what’s best for me. I want to give myself a safe place to live and a happy life. I want to give myself all the things I desire.
On most days, I am not fighting with myself anymore. And with more emotional bandwidth saved, I can use my time and energy more wisely by pouring into the people around me. Providing the people I encounter a little more positivity, a little more support. Lending an ear or participating in an exchange of energy and ideas. Possibly some levity in an otherwise monotonous day.
Maybe all of this growth is the result of being twenty-six and having a fully developed frontal lobe. Not every day is perfect, but it’s as if — suddenly — I know how to communicate. I know how to stay calm. I can regulate my emotions. I know what to do in hard moments.
And although I know there is so much more perspective and wisdom to be gained throughout my life, at least for now I can finally see the forest through the trees.
Here are some things I’ve learned along the way (a bit of a random list):
Take accountability for your own actions. Own where you went wrong. You are allowed to make mistakes and you can grow from them. Accountability is so freeing.
Life isn’t fair. You are not owed anything. Do the right thing anyway. Stay grounded and stay grateful — in good times and bad.
Before you lead with anger, think about why you are angry. It could be something that you aren’t even aware of. Address the root of the problem before it grows.
Sometimes you won’t have motivation. Discipline and a clear plan will lead you to where you want to go.
Forgive the people who hurt you. And wish them well, whoever they are. Letting go gives you freedom. It gives you peace. You don’t even have to tell them you forgive them — you just know for yourself.
When things get hard, you don’t have to shy away from them. Confronting hard things will make you stronger.
Communicate with the people in your life. They are not mind readers. Be honest about how you really feel and ask them to be honest with you.
When overthinking, say out loud, “This is all in my head.”
You don’t have to conform to things that don’t feel right just because that is what people expect of you. You can be unique.
Emotions follow music. Set the tone for your life by curating the soundtrack.
Expand your mind. Think about where you want to be in ten years. You can change your mind, but you can’t change your mind if you never make up your mind in the first place.
Try to have empathy for people, even when they are not kind to you. Everyone is going through something.
What is greater than being there for the people you love? Be someone people can rely on and you will feel fulfilled.
The thing is — I could stay in New York or I could move. Either way, I will figure it out. Because it’s not about New York. And it’s not about a job, or a person, or an apartment.
It’s about taking each day as it comes. And it’s about appreciating life, embracing all the highs and lows, and trying to leave a positive impact along the way.