The other night, I was biking home and I decided to take an E-bike so I could get home a bit faster. It was midnight. And since my route was a straight shot down the West Side Highway, I decided to see how long I could bike with both of my arms sticking straight up in the air. Turns out it’s a lot easier than you would think, as long as you believe you won’t fall.
In fact, it’s pretty exhilarating. Extending your arms all the way up and letting the wind surround you. It’s easy to have no fear when you’ve had a few old fashioneds. At that point, the whole situation starts to feel like a live interpretation of Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind.
“Summertime and the wind is blowing outside
In lower Chelsea and I don't know
What I'm doing in this city…
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive”
That’s a quote from the song — it’s one of my favorites. Listen while reading for context (it’s really good).
At times, it’s good to relinquish control. That’s what I was doing — lifting my hands above my head. I was surrendering to chance. I guess that’s why people jump out of planes. For a fleeting moment of perspective. Distance from the reality below. Existing in a moment of exact nowness.
“Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free”
I wanted to stop thinking for a little while. When facing danger of some kind, there’s no room to think about anything else. No room to shift slightly to one side. There’s no room for a small bump on the pavement to derail the wheel. Only one thought remains — will I fall?
Looking back, I guess it was a pretty stupid idea. But I’ve been doing some stupid things lately, like crying to my friends on the phone instead of going back to therapy.
“Where's the soul I want to know
New York City is evil…
And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am”
Sometimes you can’t see how tight you were holding on until you let go.
Like a guttural scream. Like an exhale that releases a year of tension. Like realizing that you can do stupid things and survive, and maybe they make the living more real? Like jumping up and down at a concert. Being stupid. Being wrong.
The other day I was walking with a friend and we decided to play rock paper scissors at every corner to see where we should turn. I was left and he was right, depending on who won the round. And we ended up at the exact spot we meant to go to all along.
Isn’t that funny?
I like the idea of surrendering to chance a little bit more. Maybe not always doing the exact perfect thing. It’s possible the lines of right and wrong aren’t even that clear anyway.
For example, what if one day you took a few wrong turns on your drive home just to see what happens? Maybe that’s the epitome of boredom. Or the intersection of freedom and curiosity.
And then you zoom all the way out and you are just a person standing in one spot in the middle of everywhere. None of it matters. So maybe the greatest thing you’ll ever do is allow yourself to let go.
“And there's this burning
Like there's always been.
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive”
Your third eye does not seem blind at all, Ginny King.